Fathers Day Memories and the loss of my parents and a new outlook on life

 

Fathers Day Memories and the loss of my parents and a new outlook on life

February 17th, 2024

I missed my dad today on this cold and windy rainy day of 19 June 2023 (Died April 7th, 1995).

This was also a cold but not rainy night on April 7th, 1995 I was 24 years old on April 29th, 1995.

It was in very early hours of the morning on April 7th 1995 at approximately 02h50 when our church minister came to wake my mom by the bedroom window to inform us of my dad's passing. 

I was very stunned as I didn't know how take it in or process the very thought of my dad being gone. The very task I was given by God The King, my King had come to an end. A journey which had started in 1993 had now come to an abrubt end. But there was my mom still to think of as my mom was still around and we had to pick up the pieces and carry on.

The following weeks were absolute brutal on us as a family because all the trauma of my dad being gone and now lay ahead funeral arrangements and the funeral itself and the wake and seeing all my family again was just too much for me. I felt like a lost little child not knowing what to do and how to do things. Those were very trying times for me and my mom because I would be in tears most of the two years that followed.

But I had to take care of my mom and she took care of me financially and emotionally. We moved on to purchasing our own home (flat/apartment) which was still very new. It was approximately four years old since being built.

It was a new era and a brand new start for us almost 30 thirty years ago. I was almost 25 years old. Still a kid in so many ways but very exciting but also very vulnerable and naive on so many levels as well.

Things had changed where my dad's then pension really financially supported me until his death and now my mom's pension from my dad's passing was half that and we had approximately R70 left for the rest of the month to live off but we managed and survived. On top of all that we had no transport as I sold my car and opted to get around without any transport of my own for a period of about three to four months. Afterwhich I purchased the workshop manager's car which he had sold to me and I purchased it with a vehicle finance option. It did put alot of strain on our finances but a car was absolutel paramount as I had to get my mom to and from the hospital as health was also on the declining side but it was still very early days back then. My mom could and still did alot of the house work like cooking, cleaning, etc.

Until the time came when she was not able to do all of those things anymore.

I then had chip in and started doing some cleaning like vacuuming / hoovering and doing the washing and the dishes which was no problem for me as I was still very healthy and able to attend to those chores and did it mostly on a weekend or some partially in the evening as I had a full time job in the auto / motor industry.

My mom and myself got along very well for the most part but we also had our tiffs / arguments as we lived together for 24 years after suffering the loss of my father in 1995. We learned to live with one another in harmony but it was not always sunshine and roses. But things always worked out in the end as I never leave home by wanting to move out and start out on my own as my mom only had me and I had my mom. We had each other and could not imagine life without her as I had my coffee was made for me every morning. Supper was ready when I came from work and she say lunch times on weekends and my off days. Bring the snackwitcher or the bread I will make us some sandwiches. I can honestly say I had privileged life with my mom as I was spoilt in many aspects and it's those type of memories I cannot forget.

Every Sunday she would call me whilst I was still sleeping or just about waking up. Are you awake? And I would reply Hhhmmm! She would then say "come then I make us coffee" which was our every Sunday traditional cappuccino before church starts which we would watch the livestream on YouTube. 

But on April 28th, 2019 that would not be the case. My brother happened to be back from Dubai for a number years which was a blessing to me at the time because I would not have been able to have coped with alot of things without his help. He was the one who came and woke me on that fateful Sunday morning to tell me something is wrong and my mom was unresponsive so I called the paramedics and they were on scene about 20 minutes after I called. Last thing I asked my mom at the tone was after I tried to see what the problem was, "do you wanna go to the toilet?" She replied Hhhmmm (yes)" So that was the last she was ever able to respond to me as she then fell into a coma. In the meantime the paramedics arrived and they tried to revive her but informed us that she had already passed as she was in a state of being brain dead. They made the suggestion to maybe doing CPR but we declined as she had suffered multiple organ failure at that stage and her body was shutting down and that she might not be around for long or at all even if it was successful. So we declined as I also made the comment to the doctor on call that she had the bloated hernia which made her tummy stand out and it would just cause more internal damage etc. So we made the decision to 'let her rest' which was actually my comment. She passed at exactly 9am that Sunday morning on April 28th of 2019, one day before my 48th birthday.

Life as I knew it changed once again for me as I was now faced with our home that was already sold due to financial circumstances and we were awaiting transfer to take place into the new owners name. My task taking care of my mom was now officially over and I know this was the start of another very emotional and trying time for me that laid ahead. I actually had an appointment to go see and pay to secure our new home which we were going to rent and move to that morning of her death at 9 am when she passed away.

I then had the job of winding up my mom's affairs of her estate which took months to conclude and the property transfer took place at the end of October 2019 and I had to now vacate the premises. I remember locking the front door for the last time after 23 years of so many memories of my life and my mons life spent there and always feeling safe and at home. That's was no more my home to feel safe in.

MIKE DU PREEZ

I then moved into a bachelors flat in Malmesbury and lived there for approximately three and half years which was very comfortable and safe for me. Then finances forced me to seek accommodation elsewhere. I was forced to move to a farm which basically caters for SASSA (South African Social Security Agency) recipients which are people earning a govt grant from the state. I fitted in and adapted very quickly and made some friends like Mike Du Preez, whom has been very helpful and instrumental in my existence on the farm as I am not able to do alot of things very easily like most people due to my disability of suffering from Osteo Arthritis and I'm in pain 24/7. As Mike Du Preez is also suffering from a medical condition and is also dependent on the assistance from the national health system and also has to see the doctor on a monthly basis in another town.

He has been extremely helpful when I ended up in hospital for three days due to a very bad infection in my foot and was able to really go out of his way to come to my aid by bringing some essentials to me in hospital to make my stay as comfortable as possible which I greatly admire. These are the kind of people that play a very important role in my life as I am not able to do all the things in my life like I had been used to in the past 53 years. 

Soon a I am starting a new chapter in my life. A brand new era which I am so excited about. It's my new home which I applied for through the social housing scheme and had prayed for it so long and hard since I had moved to the farm. Since there isn't any running water or electricity on the farm we have to make do with what we can manage by bringing water in from outside sources as well as utilise solar power which also have its limits. Life couldn't be more different than I was used to but I learned to cope from day one and got used to the way of life on the farm. It's an eco village where we all live in wooden built structures but there are a few downfalls like having to deal with the sand that you either walk into your room or the wind blows it in and can be frustrating at times. The owner of the farm Charmaine, has her hands full in the running and the upkeep and still erecting more units on the farm to accommodate more destitute people whom are in dire need of accommodation due to unforseen circumstances.

My application for a studio apartment at a social housing complex is coming slowly but surely to very exciting stage where I recently was informed that there was a unit available but because my documentation was not all ready, due to one outstanding document.  

I was not able to move in and be awarded an apartment. So it's just a matter of time once my documents are all in and then the wait until another unit becomes available for me then I can start the new chapter in my life and I cannot wait. I will once again have my own private living space with kitchen and bathroom and be free and amongst friends in that area where I would be living. It's a whole new life changing experience for me as well as a second chance back in a normal home environment again. It will be my chance at a normal life again.  I am really so excited. Words cannot describe how I am feeling right now. But all the glory and thanks be to God.

After my move to Malmesbury I had been in tears almost on a daily basis after the loss of my mom and dad after I could not afford the rental anymore of my home in Malmesbury and life became unbearable as I didn't know where I was going to end up. But to my surprise St Monica Catholic Community in California in the USA whom I had been following for over a decade came to my rescue. They have supported me and been there for me throughout all that time even throughout the pandemic and they still have my back through their pastoral and spiritual care initiative.

If it was not for them and my dreams and goals which I am awting to become a reality soon and of course God I would've had nothing left to live for. I believe in God and the power of prayer and miracles and of course God's grace. 

In both my mom and dad's funerals and also the inscription on the head stone the scripture of Psalm 23 is noted.

It's my favourite scripture. But also the scripture of Philippines 4:13 "I can do all things through God whom strengthens me"

Memories of my Dad (Adolf Jacobus DeFlamingh)

I miss the times we would sit and he would share memories from his past.

I miss the times we'd go to the shops or somewhere together and it was just the two of us.

I miss the times we would repair either the stove or the washing machine or assembled something together or the times when he would help repair my bicycle.

I miss the times when we would go buy a pie at the local supermarket and then go sit at the local shopping centre and eat our pies in the car together on a Sunday morning. 

I remember the times I saw him in tears over loosing his brother or a close friend.

The day he died, I was the one in tears over loosing him and I can't have those moments with him ever again.

I love you Dad and will never stop loving you.

Fathers day just like mothers day are very lonely and painful for me.

How do you explain to anyone how you really feel? You can't!

It's too difficult to put into words.

My only inheritance I have left from my mom and dad are the memories and photos.

I wish I could have them both back and get a chance to do things over again but do it differently.

The pain and regrets will never go away as well as the loneliness.